dar keli: Call Center | Beaverton, OR, USA Me: “Thank you for calling *hiccup!* how may I *hiccup!* help you?” Customer: *laughing* “Got a problem over there?” Me: “Sorry sir, *hiccup!*, I have the hiccups.” Customer: “Oh, OK, well…DO YOU WANT ME TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU RIGHT NOW?!” Me: “Um…uh…I mean…” Customer: “Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding with you. I bet you don’t have the hiccups any more now, huh?” ---------------------- Technical Support | Columbus, OH, USA Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?” Customer: “Hello?” Me: “Hello?” Customer: “Hello?” Me: “Hello?” Customer: “Hey Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!” Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.” Customer: “OH MY GOD, IT’S ADDRESSING ME!” Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!” Customer: “Oh… so you’re one of them human peoples?” Me: “Yes, sir, I am a human peoples.” ---------------------------- (I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.) Me: “Welcome to [electronics store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?” Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46? TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?” Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?” Husband: “Mostly porn.” Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!” Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.” Wife: “Why’s that?” Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…” ---------------------- (I work at a Scottish import store that specializes in kilts. We mostly rent them out for weddings.) Me: “Okay, guys, you’re all fitted up. Everything will be ready for pick-up the Thursday before the wedding.” Customer: “Guys, you know what we have to do, right? We have to go commando! No wearing anything under the kilt!” *to me* “That’s the way to do it, right?” Me: “Well, gentlemen, we don’t have a policy on that one way or the other. Personally, though, before you decide, I’d advise you to take a moment and consider ALL the implications of the word…’rental.’” Customer: “What? But…oh…oh! Ewww!” ----------------------------- Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–” Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!” Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–” Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!” Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–” Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!” --------------------------- Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.” Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.” Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.” Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?” Me: “Yes.” (Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.) Me: “Here you are, Bob!” Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?” Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.” --------------------------- (I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.) Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?” Little girl: “Robert!” Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?” Little girl: “Dammitjulia!” ---------------------------------