Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML ------------------------------ Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML ------------------------------ Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML ------------------------------- Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML --------------------------------- Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML --------------------------------- Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML --------------------------------- Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML --------------------------------- Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML ----------------------------------- Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgewise for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML ----------------------------------- Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML ------------------------------------ Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML ------------------------------------ Today, my gf and I were planning to have dinner plans at 6. I called her at 6:09 asking where she was [i was at the restaurant waiting] and she said "I'm at mcdonalds with jessica.. call u later?" I then had to get my waiter to tell him to remove the ring from the dessert so I could go home. FML ------------------------------------ Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML ------------------------------------ Today, my entire family blamed me for the death of my grandpa, because I didn't go to church this morning. I didn't go to church because I was the only one who volunteered to stay with him that night, because everyone else wanted to go play on my uncle's new Wii. FML ------------------------------------ Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML ------------------------------------ Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had bought and left at her house. There were 8 left and I wasn't the one who opened them. FML ------------------------------------ Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML ------------------------------------- -- ___________ ©Toxis