Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
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Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
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How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
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Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
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So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger. 
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.
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How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling. 
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Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing. 
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What's worse then finding a worm in your apple? 
The Holocaust. 
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A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?" 
The lawyer said "$400." 
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?" 
"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"
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The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves. 
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Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? 
No. 
Well, it's really nice. 
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Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic. 
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How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 

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©Toxis