Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to Confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site." Priest: What did you do with the lumber, my son? Boudreaux: Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a longtime. I'm afraid someone will break dey leg, so I fix de hole. Priest: Well, that's not so bad. Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. Priest: What did you do with it? Boudreaux: Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta de weather, so I made him a doghouse. Priest: OK, anything else? Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So, you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I made a two-car garage. Priest: Now this is getting a little out of hand. Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. Priest: Yes? Boudreaux: Well, my wife, she always wanted a bigger house. So I added two bedrooms and a new bathroom. Priest: OK, that's definitely too much. For your penance you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you? Boudreaux: No, Father, but if you got the plans, I got the lumber. ---------------------- My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week." ----------------------------- As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "The captain is a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "in fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing," said the attendant, "we no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office." ---------------------------------- Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject "Nude pictures of Sarah Palin"? A. Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain a computer virus! Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject "Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton"? A. Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain nude pictures of Hillary Clinton! ---------------------------------- A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room." ----------------------------------- -- ___________ ©Toxis